Eating When it's Nourishing

My 28 Day Affair didn't last as long as I hoped.
Around Day 8 I really couldn't deal any longer with the starvation and restrictions.
I gave up and started eating.
Whatever weight I lost in the first 8 days I certainly gained back in the week thereafter.

So right now, I'm honestly still feeling uncomfortable with myself.
However,  I decided to take a step back and look at some of the issues I've been having with my weight, namely food.
When I think about it, I've never had a problem losing weight. It's the "keeping it off" and "not gaining weight" that I've always have a problem with. And that's because I eat too much.
I eat when I'm happy, when I'm bored, when I'm lonely, when I'm upset. Hell, I even eat for entertainment.

I've stopped trying to be angry at myself for this behavior. And I've stopped trying to beat myself up about it.
No more feeling guilty. No more pity.
It's occurred to be that I had higher self esteem before I started dieting and for me dieting and self-loathing seem to go hand-in-hand.

I'm thinking that I need to just accept me as I am. Inside it feels like I'm giving up. I feel like  I'll be a loser if I give up now.
But staying in a war with myself in which my self-identity suffers is just not a war I can win.

So, In the next few weeks I'm going to concentrate on accepting me how I am now.
Accept the bigness about me. The heaviness. The roundness.
The stomach and the arms. The face.
Feel my feelings without trying to numb myself with food.

Ask myself why I eat when I'm not hungry and realize what I'm doing before I start.
Quit dieting.

Hopefully, I'll be able to figure all this stuff out with me, about me when I'm able to feel and notice whats going on instead of ignoring everything.

And I've got to trust that acceptance, truth, and understanding will lead me down the path of my normal weight when I can start eating only when it's nourishing.

Big Girls Only in the Winter

"I like big girls," he said laughing. "But only in the winter".
I was still at Stacy's party, standing in the living room talking to Stacy's friend, Derrick. Derrick was explaining to me why his new girl was so tiny. As a 6'3', 230 lb+ man, I had asked him why he wasn't with a bigger girl.
"That's f*cked-up" I said laughing because it was kinda funny. I mean, I love big men personally, but I know a lot of phat girls (and boys) don't like to be with other big people. As Kristina explained to me awhile back, "TWO big people together is just TOO much."

Derrick continued, "I mean in the summer, she's hot, I'm hot--we're both sweating? No, It ain't a good look".
I saw his point but rolled my eyes anyway.
Derrick was a good friend of Stacy's and a regular at the boys' house parties/get-togethers. He was a big guy and really cute, funny as hell and sometimes brutally honest.
"I mean, there are rules if you're gonna be with a big girl. For one, she gotta have a pretty face."

The boys on the couch, Brian, and Joey,  chimed in, "Yeah, she gotta have body too. And a shape... it just can't be all fat falling over the place"
I looked away and started feeling a little self-conscience.  Weren't they aware that they were little talking about me, a big girl,  while I was in the same room?

Joey was particularly insistent. He added, "If I talk to a big girl, she's got to be pretty and have a good shape---even if she is a little fat. But it's cool because everyone knows a big girl will do more stuff than a little girl."
I figured 'more stuff' eluded to the sexual department.
"That's not true," I snapped, but all the boys nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, they will," Derrick said. "We've all had our fair share of the nasty big girls."

I went to go sit down and thought about what they were saying. Clearly they were stipulations involved if a man was  to be with a "big girl" or in my case, a "phatty". I thought about those few times in the past when Joey ( a verified male-whore) tried to get my number. One time, he even asked me out right if we could sleep together. Now, Joey was cute and everything but there's very little a man can say to me that can get passed my natural suspicion. After I told him "no" and walked away, Joey had gotten better at being more respectful and we were able to have a few chats without him saying something blatantly inappropriate. But this time I wondered if Joey only tried talking to me in the past because I was  pretty with a nice shape albeit a little fat or if he just wanted a rendezvous with a "nasty big girl". It made me wonder if phatties get an unfair share of jerks because of these stipulations.

The guys continued to talk about women and I took the opportunity to ask some random questions I had about the male perspective. I started with Joey; knowing he had slept with his fair share of single (and not-so-single) DC women, I asked him if there was anybody he'd consider being serious with.
"Yeah, I have someone I'm serious with right now."
"Oh , you have a girlfriend?" I was surprised.
"Well, she thinks she's my girlfriend and she's gorgeous."
"What do you mean 'She thinks she's your girlfriend'?"
He went on to explain that although he tells her that they're an item, he goes out with and sleeps with any other girls he desires. He claims he can't be monogamous but it is OK as long as he doesn't get caught.
" Why be in a relationship if you know you want to sleep with other women?" I asked.
"Because I don't want her to sleep with any other man."
The boys laughed.


That's when I realized that you can be phat, skinny, pretty, ugly, and everything in between and it'll have no effect on the way some men will treat you. Bad guys will be bad and good guys will be good. So, a phatty can meet all kinds of jerks while trying to find the one, but I'm sure a skinny gal can meet the same jerks along the way too.