Friday, July 30, 2010

Phatties and Suspicion

I have been trying to figure out if is a natural suspicion that all women, or specifically phat women carry about men. Every since I was young, I’ve always been suspicious of men, their actions, and their intentions. Is not really like I’ve been wronged in the past, because honestly I guess no man has ever lied to me… but it’s hard for me to take some things that men say for face value. I suppose listening to the experiences of women around me, internalizing the idea of men being “big, bad wolves” from my dad, and generally what society tells women about men “being men”, I think I’ve just picked up the notion that it’s better to not be completely vulnerable with a man. Because of this, I tend to put up walls, I rarely share my true emotions without some sort of validation, and even true intimacy is difficult. This natural suspicion held me off from telling Stacy that I liked him for a long time. We would even text me and say “I know you like me, why won’t you just admit it?” and I would reply, “Why admit something that isn’t true?” Thank God he was more secure than I.

I hear the stories of my friends when they tell me about how a guy has swept them off their feet. A couple of days go by, weeks even… and they tell me how they’ve given up the goods and the guy 1) won’t speak to them anymore; or 2) only calls them now on for a booty call. And each time I hear the familiar line of events, I sit, listen intently, shake my head in horror, and gasp at the particularly cruel moments while secretly thinking “What did you expect?”

So when I think about, I think my suspicion is a curse and a blessing. It’s kept me from getting burned by bad men (though I’ve had my share of singes), but It has kept me from tearing the wall down for men who deserve it.

Am I the only one with this suspicion?

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