Thursday, August 12, 2010

Eating When it's Nourishing

My 28 Day Affair didn't last as long as I hoped.
Around Day 8 I really couldn't deal any longer with the starvation and restrictions.
I gave up and started eating.
Whatever weight I lost in the first 8 days I certainly gained back in the week thereafter.

So right now, I'm honestly still feeling uncomfortable with myself.
However,  I decided to take a step back and look at some of the issues I've been having with my weight, namely food.
When I think about it, I've never had a problem losing weight. It's the "keeping it off" and "not gaining weight" that I've always have a problem with. And that's because I eat too much.
I eat when I'm happy, when I'm bored, when I'm lonely, when I'm upset. Hell, I even eat for entertainment.

I've stopped trying to be angry at myself for this behavior. And I've stopped trying to beat myself up about it.
No more feeling guilty. No more pity.
It's occurred to be that I had higher self esteem before I started dieting and for me dieting and self-loathing seem to go hand-in-hand.

I'm thinking that I need to just accept me as I am. Inside it feels like I'm giving up. I feel like  I'll be a loser if I give up now.
But staying in a war with myself in which my self-identity suffers is just not a war I can win.

So, In the next few weeks I'm going to concentrate on accepting me how I am now.
Accept the bigness about me. The heaviness. The roundness.
The stomach and the arms. The face.
Feel my feelings without trying to numb myself with food.

Ask myself why I eat when I'm not hungry and realize what I'm doing before I start.
Quit dieting.

Hopefully, I'll be able to figure all this stuff out with me, about me when I'm able to feel and notice whats going on instead of ignoring everything.

And I've got to trust that acceptance, truth, and understanding will lead me down the path of my normal weight when I can start eating only when it's nourishing.

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